Category: Cruise it or Lose it

Let’s talk about Mission: Impossible— Fallout. You might say that it’s wrong to criticize this film because the storyline does not have an original bone in its body. But I stand by Ebert who wonders why do audiences go see films where they already know what is going to happen? This film is a Euro-Porn Travel Magazine on Steroids. Please quote me. The chase scenes are not anywhere near as interesting or creative as say Atomic Blonde. But hey, if you have never seen a movie where the bomb has a counter on it and it is going to explode and destroy the Earth then yeah, when the house lights come up, you will give this movie a standing ovation. So without belaboring it, it is an absolutely valid criticism always to demand originality and expect creativity. Deadpool 2 did it, and that’s also sequel. Also, just since I am taking the time to write this. The verbal exposition and the use of dialogue to explain events surpasses a student film with less than zero budget. Dear studio suits, nobody cares that Mission: Impossible movies start with long boring explanations that self destruct in 5 seconds. Maybe the explanations should self-destruct 5 seconds before they start. 

Now here is a part of this review you might like if you are still with me. I actually enjoyed this film. I think the part I enjoyed most was the “action camp” I’ll call it. Unlike Deadpool, this film doesn’t have the cojones (balls, people or ovaries. I don’t know how to say ovaries in Spanish, but you get it) to break the fourth wall. But it could so easily break the fourth wall at almost any moment. I mean the use of Scooby-Doo-like masks is enough to make anyone over the age of I don’t know 11 or 12 just laugh out loud. But when you pile one ludicrous set up or element after another, it becomes enjoyable somehow. Who cares — but in a good way. It’s a suspension of disbelief paradigm shift. It’s also interesting that Tom Cruise, who couldn’t help the human injury masquerading as a movie masquerading as a thinly veiled soon to be opened amusement park ride that was The Mummy actually triumphs in Fallout. Triumphs! He shows amazing acting chops, his stunts are equally amazing and not since Forrest Gump or Run Lola Run has anyone run so convincingly in a movie. I think it would have been easy to kill an entire tub of popcorn (you can buy, take home and reuse a tub of popcorn these days, which I think is just as perverse as the ability to now buy bulletproof backpacks for school, but that’s just my sensibility). In short, (sorry Tom, not trying to be glib, I’m only slightly taller than you after all) Tom Cruise holds this film down, and even the most hackneyed, absurd and thread bare plot twists can not touch his veracity and screen presence. Fallout offers action and Fallout delivers. If you like action and Tom Cruise, Fallout won’t disappoint. If you would rather watch grass grow or paint dry for two hours, I would respect that decision as well. 

The ride will be great. Like many times I see the Universal logo spinning into view with the blaring thuds of trumpet sounds, I realize that the chances of this action film being bad are up there. One large piece of…computer generated plastic, wrapped around a hot turd of a story. Sorry but I had to get scatalogical. Frankly, I was disappointed because I was really rooting for Sofia Boutella, who had a fine turn on Star Trek Beyond. But I should know better regarding expectations and movies. Tom Cruise could carry this film. It is Tom Cruise after all. But he doesn’t. D leaned over and said “Wooden” during one of the excruciatingly painful expositional dialogue scenes. And I know he wasn’t referring to the Pyramid of Success. What was even worse were the attempt at shocked or horrified looks from the actors. Honestly, if some demonic mummy comes out of a sarcophagus and starts sucking peoples brains out are you just gonna sit there — or even run? Let’s face it, you are gonna lose bowel control (again with the scatology) and roll up into the most fetal of fetal positions. But let’s say you are not, let’s say you trained on Amazon Warrior Island with Wonder Woman for the past 20 years. Are you really going to get all Kung Fu on a bunch of dead crusaders? Yes, I said crusaders. This film goes everywhere from the Medieval crusades to the Resident Evil video game. It would be forgivable, as the mashup in Wonder Woman is, were it not that the film tries so hard for there to be some type of romantic relationship between Cruise and Jenny, played perfunctorily by Annabelle Wallis. His concern for her defies any possible suspension of disbelief. And how about Russell Crowe as Henry Jekyll? Yes that Jekyll. This addition is straight out of left field story-wise. Though Crowe does give an admirable, impassioned performance as the bipolar madman.

The one thing to recommend here are the special effects. They went to town on that. And also the make-up on the mummy, which I felt was strong. Set design also left nothing to be desired. It is a well crafted film. This film also did register on the D “Jumped In My Seat” Richter scale at least once. And there were moments of high suspense where I couldn’t look because I was too freaked out. I’m sure at the Universal theme park, the ride will be great.